How to mow a lawn, for dummies.

last Wednesday I mowed what was probably the worst lawn ever invented, near the end I would not be surpised to hear that I had bagged over 150 lb.'s of grass, which would be exceptable if I was mowing a multiple acre lawn, but no, it was a midget back lawn located on the Alpine Highway, there was so much grass because the grass had grown to over a foot in length. After such a traumatic experience I have decided that I can now call myself an expert lawn-mower, as such I thought I'd publish my first rendition of my latest book: "how to mow a lawn for dummies" here it is.

there are 5 steps to mowing a lawn, first, make sure your lawnmower is in good condition. this may include unscrewing several caps and changing various fluid's like the oil and the gas, the gas tank is usually the bigger of the two caps on the top of the engine, the oil tank cap has a metal rod that sticks into the tank, this is so you can test the level. if you notice that there isn't any gas in the engine, fill it up, if you take out the oil rod and notice that the oil rod has oil on it, this is a good thing. if you can, find the arrows on this rod, the oil level should be between these arrows, if it isn't, empty or fill accordingly, most engines need their oil changed every 24 hours they are running.

now that you know about the fluids of the mower, it is time to learn about the weapons of the mower, and I mean serious Armageddon, you do NOT want to stick you hand anywhere near this part of the mower when it is in operation, it would give you quite a story to tell, if you live to tell the tale. this is, of course, the blades, these should be able to spin freely without obtrusion, also, they need to be sharp (for maximum carnage) if they aren't, FIX IT!! common ways to do this is with your hands and a grinder. it is a good thing to note before you tip the mower to look at the blades which side the air filter is on, because you have already filled up the gas tank, you need to tip is air-filter side up, otherwise the gas will excape it's tanks and ruin the air filter, and that hurts the air-filter's feelings, which is not a good idea because then it pollutes the atmosphere.

now that you blade is sharp and you tank is full, you can start to mow. grass has been witnessed to range in heights from non-existant (dirt) to 2 feet in length, (I call this kind, "royal grain", just made it up, do you like it?) I suggest that you first survey your lawn, are there any tree's, is there dirt or royal grain? any rocks to avoid? what is the best method of attack. usually, the best looking lawns are those which have straight lines stretching from one side of the yard to the other, so plan you lines so that  they can be as straight as possible, I've found that usually circling the lawn twice before beginning a lawn helps to negitate missing small patches, and gives more room for turning the mower around while up agains a fence, wall, or prickly rose bush. make sure to take note of all these things and any things that can be moved before mowing, make sure to get them out of the way, they are annoying. or, is you wish, picture the face of someone you don't like on that small object, and watch as that person's head goes flying off into millions of pieces.

this is the actual working step, you mow the lawn. most lawnmowers are selfpropelled now-a-days, but only wimps use those, you want an example look at pro-wrestling, all those people mow their lawns with their teeth! if they can do that, you at least can use a push mower, but, I don't expect you to be able to do that, so use a self-propelled mower. the bags attached to these things are small, so you will have to empty the bag a lot. if you are unlucky enough to be hired to mow a royal grain or dirt, here are a few tips, avoid the dirt, it gets flinged up ing that atmosphere and contributes to global-warming, so don't mow it, plus it gets in your eyes and makes you feel dirty, (stupid dirt, it does that sometimes), if you are mowing a royal pain lawn, first off, you might consider suicide as an alternative, second if that fails to meet appeal, set the mower on it's lowest setting, and over lap your mowing trail a lot more than usual, (btw, when mowing it's a good idea to overlap just a bit, the wheel pushes down grass and so on the first pass through not all of it might get mowed), if you do this, the blade won't get stuck as often, and you'll feel less depressed because of you miserable life.

your done yay! I hope you brought someone to do the trimming, because otherwise, your life sucks right now! "an un-trimmed but mowed lawn is worse to the eye-sight than betty crocker's soup coming up the gullet for the second time in one day" is the motto i'd adopt here, if you mow, you gotta trim, and then you gotta blow, because trimming makes a mess and a dirty side walk is unbecoming. I would tell you how to trim and blow, but this is a book for how to mow, so if you want to learn how to trim and blow, buy the other non-existing-book and read that, i'm sure it has lots of useful information. after you done trimming and blowing, you get paid. this is the good part, money, the average mower earn's 20$ per average sized lawn, and the prices only go up, and remember, if you mower starts spewing smoke, it's one of two things, either you insulted the air filter, or the engine just doesn't like you much!

so who thinks this is publishable materiel?